


Missed Calls

by zedille



Series: Every Other Thursday [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), How I Met Your Mother, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canada, Gen, Humor, Tahiti
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2282232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zedille/pseuds/zedille
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria Hill's voicemail, after the fall of SHIELD. Between lawyers, Fury, people trying to sell her things, people trying to hire her, and her mother, no wonder she’s not checking her messages.</p><p>"Ms. Hill, you just called to book a funeral with us, and we wanted to confirm that there is, in fact, no body for the funeral. Flowers and Gardens has only the best embalmers and cosmeticians, and we can make any remains presentable. Do consider the fact that this is the last you will ever see of Mr. Nicholas J. Fury. We have very reasonable packages from $4000 on. Thank you for your time. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missed Calls

_This is SHIELD extension 946430, Deputy Director Maria Hill. I am currently unavailable to take your call. You may leave a message after the tone. If it's urgent, please contact your SHIELD direct supervisor, or the SHIELD press department. If you need immediate help, please call 9-1-1 or your local equivalent. As a reminder, SHIELD is not an emergency response agency. Thank you for your time. Good day._

* * *

_Private New York number:  
_ Director Hill, my name is Christine Everhart. I'm a reporter with Vanity Fair. I'd love to get in touch with you to set up an interview. Please call me back at your earliest convenience. Thank you!

[beep]

 _Flowers and Gardens Undertakers:_  
Ms. Hill, you just called to book a funeral with us, and we wanted to confirm that there is, in fact, no body for the funeral. Flowers and Gardens has only the best embalmers and cosmeticians, and we can make any remains presentable. Do consider the fact that this is the last you will ever see of Mr. Nicholas J. Fury. We have very reasonable packages from $4000 on. Thank you for your time.

[beep]

 _New York landline:  
_ Maria, this is your cousin Robin. Whose wedding you rudely ditched yesterday. Did you really have to leave right when I was making my vows? Though I guess I know why you did that now, and I suppose it was justified, so thanks for showing up, anyway. And thanks for the massage chair! Barney and I will think of you every time we — actually, never mind that. So my bosses are making me say this, but remember that I'm a journalist, right? If you want to make a statement, I'm right here! Never mind that Christine Everhart, I heard she slept with Tony Stark. Way to go for journalistic integrity, right? Ugh.

[beep]

 _SHIELD internal number:  
_ Agent Hand reporting in. We've secured the Hub. Are you  _sure_  Coulson's not Hydra?

[beep]

 _Dickey, Fuller, and Associates:  
_ Ms. Hill, we at Dickey, Fuller, and Associates are calling to discuss the last will and testament of our client, Colonel Nicholas J. Fury. The late Mr. Fury has named you as executor of his will, and as such, we would like to speak with you urgently regarding the distribution of his assets. Please call us back at your earliest convenience. Thank you.

[beep]

 _Disposable phone:  
_ Hill, I need you to leave three packs of men's XL underwear, clean socks, and a bulk package of toilet paper under the Taft Bridge tomorrow night at 2 AM. Fury out.

[beep]

Also, cigarettes.

[beep]

And some toothpaste. Thanks.

[beep]

 _Canadian Embassy, Washington DC:  
_ Ms. Hill, I'm calling from the Canadian Embassy. In the light of recent events, Ottawa would like to remind you that you retain Canadian citizenship, with all the rights and privileges associated thereof. Canada is really lovely this time of year. Perhaps now would be a good time to return home to take a vacation? We've got your asylum paperwork ready to go whenever you are. Thank you for your time, and have a nice day!

[beep]

 _Untraceable international number:  
_ Uh, Deputy Hill, this is Hawkeye. Clint. I was on leave in Rio, you know where, you signed off on my travel plans. It looks like I picked the wrong night to go out? Seriously, what the hell happened in D.C.? Next thing I know, I have thirty unread messages from Nat and five missed calls from Cap, and Fury's dead and Hydra's running around, and Nat's gone to ground, and my company card's been frozen. And my plane ticket back. So I guess I'll just be hanging out here until you need me. In Rio. Well, there are worse places to be… uh, bye, I guess.

[beep]

 _Disposable phone:  
_ Natasha calling. We found Steve. He's fine. We've got his shield. Good luck with Congress. And yes, I've called Barton.

[beep]

 _Personal landline in Canada:  
_ Maria, this is your mother. It was good to see you at your cousin Robin's wedding, even though I wasn't able to spend as much time with you as I had hoped. When are you coming home to visit? I don't think you've taken a vacation in a few years, are you getting enough rest? And have you met anyone yet? I'm not getting any younger, you know, and I'd like to see at least one grandchild before I die. You really should get on that. You're not getting any younger either, dear.

[beep]

 _SHIELD-616:_  
Maria? This is Phil. Are you still there? Are you okay? Is Captain America okay? What's going on? Please call me back — did you know, Melinda turned out to be spying on me? Or that's what she says, anyway. I don't know who to trust any more. Maria, are you there — [static]

[beep]

 _SHIELD-616_ , _secured line:  
_ Agent May calling. The programming on Phil's gone bad, he's behaving irrationally. I think he thinks I'm part of Hydra. You and Streiten owe me. So much. I'll get back to you later.

[beep]

 _Unlisted DC number:  
_ Commander Hill, this is Councilor Hawley. I was pleased to see the success of your endeavors in Washington D.C., and I would like to speak with you to discuss … current affairs … at your convenience. Please call me back when you have a moment.

[beep]

 _Call center number:  
_ Do you need your carpets professionally cleaned? We're running our bi-annual special discount. NOW's the time to save on your carpets! Are they dirty, stained, tired? No problem! Our special patented deep steam clean can handle anything from dog hairs to food and wine stains! We'll have your carpets looking like new in no time! Just call us back at 1-800-CAR-PETS to schedule an appointment today! That's 1-800-CAR-PETS, 1-800-227-7387! But wait, there's more! Call in the next thirty minutes and get an extra 15% off our already fabulously low rates! We'll even throw in a free bottle of Lemon Wash, just for you! So call —

[beep]

 _Dickey, Fuller, and Associates:  
_ Ms. Hill, my name is Darcy Lewis with Dickey, Fuller, and Associates. We have discovered that you were being targeted by SHIELD's Project Insight and its satellites, and as such, are are eligible to join in a class action lawsuit. Please feel free to call me back for more information or if you wish to opt out of the lawsuit. If we do not hear from you, it is understood that — fuck, who wrote this list? Didn't Hill  _work for_  SHIE— um. Actually. Never mind all that, we'll likely be, er, contacting you in a different capacity.  _I'm so sorry I'm just interning here —_

[beep]

 _Unlisted number (Tony Stark):  
_ Wow, Hill, I knew SHIELD had horrible software, but this is obsolete even for you. You still have  _voicemail_ , for fuck's sake. Do you know how many times I was transferred before I had Jarvis hack your system again? You really ought to get that looked at, I can recommend you some IT people. Or, never mind that, actually, I'll hook you up with better enterprise software myself. Gratis. This is just pathetic. Did you really get this off-the-shelf from Oracle? Seriously, Hill? Seriously? I can't believe I just had to say that. You guys are the men in black. How are you still on _—_

[beep]

See, I had to have Jarvis hack into your system again. How does anyone ever talk to you? This is just rude. Do you just not actually have anyone call this number? You know, I really should have known about this whole HYDRA thing… cleanliness is next to godliness, sure, but bad IT design just goes to show. You should have seen the Stark servers right after I kicked Obie out. So anyways, where was I? Jarvis, what was I doing? Ah, right, so I'm calling to let you know that given what's happened with SHIELD, I'm sending you a few of my lawyers. We're pretty sure they're not HYDRA, which is more than what you can say abo —  _Tony, what are you doing?! You can't say that to her, give me the phone—_

[beep]

Hi, Maria — sorry to call you in such difficult times, and sorry about Tony. You know how he gets. Anyway, what he was trying to tell you was that we're loaning out a few of our lawyers to you. We think you'll be needing it… Congress will be sending you a subpoena any day now and I can just imagine what the CIA wants to do to you. Actually, there's only so much our lawyers can do to protect you as a private individual, but we hope you'll think about joining Stark Industries officially. In this new world, our security concerns align. I'd love to discuss this with you over coffee sometime. I know you're busy, but please do take care of yourself. All my best. Pepper.

[beep]

 _Unidentified SHIELD number_ :  
HAIL HYDRA, BITCH! Out of the shadows and into the light! We were here all along and you didn't know it, and now we will have our revenge. You were the most idiotic bunch of cowards we ever knew, and we will be avenged upon you and your pathetic organization. We will get the Avengers, and we will kill them, and you will all be destroyed! Roll over and accept your fate! Hahahaha!

[beep]

 _Midtown Metlife office:  
_ Ms. Hill, I'm calling from Metlife. This is to discuss your health insurance. And your life insurance. I'm sorry, but your premiums are going up. There are "hazardous occupations", and there are — you know, I don't even know how to describe it. Call me back at your convenience to discuss your options.

[beep]

 _Stark Tower_ :  
Hey, Maria, you can disregard that call you received about your insurance premiums just now. We talked to Metlife — it's quite convenient since they're based out of Stark Tower — but you really ought to consider joining Stark Industries officially. We have very forgiving insurance plans. Tony had to buy his own insurance company after the last time he blew up — well, you know about that. Anyhow. Please let me know, and all my best. Pepper.

[beep]

 _SHIELD-616, secured line:  
_ Agent May calling. Did  _you_ know Fury had a secret base off-the-record in Canada, and that he'd hijacked Coulson's badge to display those coordinates? I didn't know either, until he made me fly us out into the middle of nowhere and abandon the plane. Now we have no more fuel, and we're stuck in the middle of nowhere. In Canada, to boot. You know, I can't deal with this now. I'm leaving. I need a break.

[beep]

 _Unlisted DC number (internal CIA):  
_ Maria, this is Melinda's mother. I just heard from Melinda herself, so I think you can expect you can expect a visit from her very soon. I also wanted to congratulate you on how well you've been handling Congress and the press, but as a reminder, you do have other options. You know my agency has quite a bit of influence over Congress, and with your experience, we'd love to take you on. I know Stark's made you an offer, but I hope you'll consider mine as well. And contrary to popular opinion, our healthcare is excellent.

[beep]

 _Untraceable international phone number:  
_ Maria, I know you're swamped now, but I just wanted to thank you again for arranging this vacation in Tahiti. I really don't know what Coulson's problem with the place was — it's just fantastic, and Isabelle and I are really enjoying it. We'll have to catch up once you have a free moment, yeah? Just wait till you hear what that shit Ward tried to do….  _all right, Izzy, I'm coming!_  Talk to you later.

[beep]

 _Flowers and Graves Undertakers_ :  
Ms. Hill, we just wanted to double-check the programming for the funeral of the late Colonel Fury. You sent us a copy of the multimedia tribute video to be displayed, but, uh, we're not sure that you really meant to call the deceased "that son of a bitch who gets to fake his death while I have to handle all the work, the bastard, and he can buy his own socks too I don't care if he's playing homeless." While we understand and sympathize with the sentiment, this is probably not the sort of thing you want to be saying at his funeral. Just food for thought.

[beep]

**Author's Note:**

> [Now with a sequel!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3783361)


End file.
